DGP4SL Acquires Linden Lab

April 1, 2015 by
Filed under: STFU 

Dateline: April Fools 1st, 2015

For Immediate Release

In an absolutely stunning, almost unbelievable announcement, the management teams of DG Products for Second Life (DGP4SL) and Linden Lab (LL) have released coordinated statements outlining the wholesale acquisition of LL by DGP4SL. The two independent press releases describe the expected benefits to both companies as well as the many long-term users of LL’s flagship product Second Life™.

DGP4SL Owner/Founder

Darrius Gothly, founder and sole owner of the renowned DGP4SL enterprise highlighted the extensive resources and development history that his company brings to the table.

“DGP4SL is a long-standing and fully staffed company based on efficiency and streamlined development. With our highly optimized staff, we expect to be able to undertake all outstanding JIRA and other issues in short order. By this time next year we should see a Second Life™ that has zero bugs and can support 500,000 to 1 million concurrent users per Sim.”

During the interview for this article, Mr. Gothly proudly pointed out that being the sole employee enables him to keep intimate control of ongoing projects while also allowing him to assure 100% project focus among the staff.

Linden Lab Management

In their companion press release, the management team at Linden Lab conceded that their paltry, mere human efforts at software development could never hold a candle to the amazing skills and technologies already available from DGP4SL. In a rare first-person quote within the release, President and CEO Abbe Eltberg said:

“Some of us go our entire lives without encountering the incredible genius and sheer humanity of someone like Mr. Gothly. His company vibrates with the power of his essence. We have absolute faith that handing over 100% of our development projects to him will have positively imaginary results in very short order.”

Financial Details

Sources close to the two companies have leaked details regarding the monies involved in the buyout. Based on our forensic accounting analysis of the spreadsheets, it appears that DGP4SL has carefully bankrolled their 3-4 slideshow sales per week until they had stockpiled sufficient Linden Dollars to make an offer that simply could not be refused.

While not immediately apparent, evidence found deep within the complicated calculations indicate that certain Linden Lab executives are also going to “Feather their nest” with additional incentives such as 3-story Linden Homes and, ironically, free copies of DGP4SL’s slideshow.

Immediate Plans

Included in the DGP4SL press release was a brief outline of changes they expect to implement in the very near future. Citing the possibly imminent demise of Second Life™, the company justified the changes as necessary to ensure survival beyond 3 days. Foremost among the expected changes are:

  • Immediate shutdown of the SL Marketplace
  • Planned investigation into development of a replacement
  • Reworking In-World Search to return only Adult-rated results
  • Teleport screens that force playing of 30-60 second ads
  • Disabling of the underwear layer for female avatars

In direct contravention of the above, back room chatter among those in the know indicates that the primary development focus will actually be a Facebook game version of SL that can only be played on iOS-based phones.

It is important to note that we cannot independently verify any of the details contained within this report. While everything here is totally unsubstantiated, we have complete faith that anyone believing it is clearly in need of serious mental health intervention.


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